Rediscovering Myself: Navigating Identity Loss and Transition in Motherhood

Loss - such a small word, yet anyone who has experienced it knows how profoundly it can shape a person. While loss is often associated with bereavement, it extends far beyond the death of a loved one. Loss can take many forms, each carrying its own weight and challenges.

Loss is the experience of losing something or someone significant, often bringing grief, sadness, or emotional distress. It is not limited to death but can include:

• The loss of a loved one (bereavement)

• The loss of a relationship (breakup, divorce, estrangement)

• The loss of health (chronic illness, disability)

• The loss of a job or financial security

• The loss of identity or purpose (retirement, major life changes)

• The loss of a dream or expectation (infertility, unfulfilled goals)

  
  

In counselling, people often bring in their distress without labeling it as a ‘loss’ experience. Simply recognising it as such can be incredibly validating. Loss takes many forms, and one common but often unspoken experience is the identity shift that comes with motherhood.

A Mother’s Journey Through Loss and Transition

Alice*, a new mother, arrives at counselling feeling strangely disconnected. She’s not depressed, but something feels off - an underlying sense of being lost. She almost feels guilty for seeking counselling.

“Shouldn’t this be the happiest time of my life?” she wonders.

The pressure to feel "#blessed" is heavy, especially when her best friend is struggling with infertility. But the truth is, that feeling doesn’t come easily. She looks down at her shirt, stained with something - breast milk? Breakfast? She’s not even sure anymore.

Just six months ago, Alice was managing a corporate team and overseeing major projects. Now, she barely recognises herself.

As she talks with her counsellor, they begin unpacking her emotions - a mix of love for her baby and confusion at how unrecognisable her life has become. She realises she is mourning something she hadn't even considered - the loss of her pre-motherhood identity.

She used to juggle budgets and deadlines; now, she can’t even find her keys. She used to be a fun, social wife who loved city dinners; now, she’s exhausted, just waiting for her husband to come home so she can take a shower.

“Motherhood is wonderful,” she admits, “but it’s also so much harder than I expected.”

Her counsellor helps her explore this transition, validating her feelings and reminding her that adjusting to such a life-altering change is completely natural. Loss isn’t just about what’s gone - it’s about adapting to what comes next.

Over time, Alice starts to integrate her past and present selves. She returns to netball, reconnects with old colleagues, and gradually, the contrast between her former and current life softens. She no longer feels like she’s lost herself; rather, she’s evolving into a new version - one that makes space for both her past identity and the mother she is becoming.

She has grieved the loss of her previous life, but now, she no longer wishes to return to it.

-------------

Loss is not always obvious, and it doesn’t always come with closure. In the counselling room, there is space to name it, process it, and eventually, make peace with it. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a career, a relationship, or even a version of oneself, acknowledging the loss is the first step toward healing.

* Name and identifying details have been changed for privacy purposes.