Grief Counselling for Anticipatory Grief: Coping Before Loss
- The Counselling Cove
- Sep 3
- 3 min read
As someone who provides grief counselling in the Sutherland Shire, I often sit with people who are carrying something that feels almost impossible to put into words. They’ll describe sadness, guilt, anger, or even numbness long before their loved one has died - and then pause and ask, “Is this normal?”
If that’s you, I want you to know: yes, it is. This is called anticipatory grief, and while it can feel deeply confusing, it’s a very human response to one of life’s hardest chapters. It’s a lot to hold, but I’m here to remind you that you don’t have to face it on your own.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is the grief that begins before an actual loss happens. It often arises when a loved one has a terminal illness, dementia, or another life-limiting condition. Sometimes it can also show up before other major endings as well - the loss of health, the breakdown of a relationship, a divorce or breakup, or even the loss of a job or role that once gave life meaning.
This can feel very disorientating as anticipatory grief happens while someone is still alive . You may wonder, “How can I be grieving when they’re still here?” But anticipatory grief is simply your heart’s way of preparing for what’s to come.
When to reach out for grief counselling
Anticipatory grief is tender and complicated, asking a lot of the heart. If your sadness feels unrelenting, if you’re withdrawing from others, or daily life feels almost impossible, it may be time to reach out for support. Speaking to a grief counsellor doesn’t mean you’re “failing” at coping. It means you’re giving yourself permission to be supported in something no one should have to walk through alone.
How anticipatory grief can feel
There’s no single way grief shows up, but many people experiencing anticipatory grief notice:
Emotional changes in grief: sadness, guilt, anger, fear, relief, or even numbness.
Physical impacts: trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, fatigue, or tension in the body.
Cognitive effects: difficulty concentrating, racing thoughts, or constant worry about the future.
Interestingly, many of these feelings mirror the grief that comes after someone dies. This is one of the reasons anticipatory grief can feel so heavy - you’re already carrying many of the same symptoms of loss, only before the goodbye has even arrived, and often without the recognition and support.
You may also find yourself feeling grief in waves - being completely consumed one moment, then feeling strangely normal the next. All of this is part of the experience, and none of it means you’re doing it wrong.
Why anticipatory grief happens
Anticipatory grief is, in many ways, a form of love. It’s our mind and body trying to prepare us for the reality of change and loss. Sometimes it helps us savour the time we still have; sometimes it feels like it robs us of that time. Both can be true.
And it’s not just families and loved ones who experience anticipatory grief. The person living with the illness or facing the end of life may also grieve what they’re losing - their health, independence, identity, or future plans. Recognising this can help us meet them with more compassion, and remind us that grief is shared, even if it looks different for each of us.
The relief of naming grief
One thing many people find comforting is simply naming this experience for what it is: grief. Realising that you are grieving - even before someone has died - can bring a surprising sense of relief. It puts words to what feels so overwhelming. You’re grieving, because your heart knows change is coming.
Finding ways to cope
There is no roadmap for anticipatory grief, but there are gentle practices that can help carry you through:
Give your feelings space. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or speaking with a counsellor can help you release what’s building up inside.
Create small rituals. This might be sharing stories, making a photo album, writing letters, or creating memory keepsakes with your loved one.
Take care of your body. Sleep, nourishment, movement, and rest are vital during this time - even if they feel hard to prioritise.
Seek support. Anticipatory grief can feel isolating. Talking with someone trained in grief, like a counsellor, can provide a safe place for all of your feelings.
If you’re looking for support, I offer grief counselling in Caringbah, in the Sutherland Shire, where you can have a safe and gentle space to process what you’re going through. Together, we can honour your grief, explore ways to cope, and ensure you feel supported during this deeply difficult season.
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