Grief rewires your world — and your biology

Grief doesn’t just break your heart - it changes your brain

Grief can feel like stepping into a parallel universe. Everything looks familiar - but nothing feels quite right. In this strange version of life, you may feel disoriented, like you’ve forgotten how to live in a world that no longer makes sense. You might forget things, cry unexpectedly, or notice that everything feels strangely quiet. At times, it can seem like something is “wrong” with you - like you should be handling things better or feeling differently by now.

But here’s the truth: what you’re experiencing isn’t a sign of weakness or dysfunction. It’s your brain doing exactly what it was built to do. Grief isn’t just emotional - it’s biological. And once we understand how our brains respond to loss, we can begin to feel less broken and a little more human.

Grief is your brain expressing love and connection

From the moment we’re born, our brains are wired to connect. As babies, we instinctively seek closeness from our caregivers because connection keeps us safe and helps us survive. Over time, we form deep emotional bonds - with partners, friends, children, parents, chosen family - and these connections become part of how we navigate the world.

When we lose someone we love, it’s not just their physical presence that’s gone. Our brain’s internal map - the one that knows where they “fit” in our life - becomes confused. It still expects them to be there. You might find yourself reaching for the phone to call them, thinking, “I need to tell them this,” or even momentarily forgetting that they’ve passed. This isn’t denial. It’s your brain struggling to update a deeply held connection.

As neuroscientist Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor explains in The Grieving Brain, our minds must "learn" the reality of a loved one’s absence. And that takes time.

The ache of absence

Grief often brings a profound yearning - a craving to see, touch, or hear the person again. That’s not just poetic language - it’s grounded in neuroscience. When you feel that aching, searching feeling, it’s not just emotional. It’s biological. Your brain is reaching out, trying to restore a connection it once depended on. This is also why grief can sometimes feel like withdrawal.

The attachment neurobiology that once helped us feel safe and comforted by that connection is suddenly disrupted - and it’s disorienting on every level.

I once heard someone compare their grief - their desperate desire to reunite with a loved one - to feeling like a child again, homesick on a sleepover. They had this strong longing to be home, where they felt safe, familiar, and loved. But in grief, their home is no longer available to them. That childhood desperation to return to a safe place is a powerful analogy for the deep, biological craving for a loved one’s presence that we can experience in grief.

There’s no “right” way to grieve - Just your way

Because grief involves both emotion and neurobiology, it’s not something we simply “get over.” It’s something we adapt to. That process can be messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal.

It’s completely normal to:

• Feel fine one moment and overwhelmed the next

• Laugh, cry, feel numb, or feel everything all at once

• Be forgetful, foggy, or emotionally exhausted

• Dream about them, talk to them, or feel their presence

  
  

These experiences might feel strange or out of character - but they’re all part of how your brain is adapting. None of them mean you’re doing it wrong. They mean your brain is slowly - and painfully - adjusting to a new reality without someone it was wired to expect.

Keeping the bond alive is part of healing

One of the most comforting truths from attachment theory and grief science is this: we don’t have to “let go” of someone we’ve lost in order to heal.

In fact, recognising that the attachment remains - even when the person is no longer physically present - can help us adapt to our new reality. You don’t have to give up on them; instead, you learn a new way to carry them with you.

Many people find that they continue to feel a connection with their loved one - through memories, rituals, dreams, or by carrying their influence forward. This ongoing bond isn’t unhealthy. It’s a natural way for the brain and heart to integrate the relationship in a new form.

Some of the most meaningful ways of maintaining this connection involve both remembering and gently adjusting to the present. For example, someone might join a cooking class to honour their mother who loved to cook, or returning with family to a favourite holiday spot that they shared with their loved one. These gestures help keep the memory alive while also encouraging new experiences and meaningful engagement with life moving forward.

Be gentle with yourself

If you’re grieving right now, please know this: your pain is a reflection of your love and your connection. What you’re feeling isn’t wrong - it’s your brain trying to make sense of something incredibly hard.

You don’t need to rush, fix it, or feel a certain way by a certain time. Your grieving brain is learning how to live in a world that looks different - and that is brave, and deeply human.

You don’t have to grieve alone

If you’re finding it hard to make sense of your grief - or just need a space to be heard - know that you don’t have to go through it by yourself.

Counselling can offer a safe space to make sense of your emotions, understand your grieving brain, and move at your own pace - without judgment.

If you'd like to talk, I'm here to listen. To learn more about how I support people through grief, you’re welcome to visit my page on grief counselling.