How to support someone who’s grieving
- The Counselling Cove
- Jul 5
- 5 min read
Watching someone you love grieve is heartbreaking. It often sparks a natural urge to fix things - to ease their pain - alongside the painful truth that you can’t change what’s happened.
If you’re reading this, it likely means you care deeply and want to support them. That care matters. While you can’t fix their pain, your presence can offer something profoundly important: comfort, connection, and the reminder they’re not alone.
Kind, empathic, and non-judgemental support can truly help. Though nothing removes the pain, steady love and presence - not just in the early days but over months and years - can make the unthinkable feel a little more bearable.
Grief isn’t something people “get over.” It’s something they slowly learn to live with. Having gentle, steady people around helps make that journey less lonely.
Below are some meaningful ways people I’ve worked with have found helpful. Grief is deeply personal - what helps one might not help another - but these common themes may resonate.
1. Gently create space - but don’t force it
Grief affects everyone differently. Some people need to talk about what’s happened. Others might prefer to focus on practical tasks, keep busy, or take quiet time - and all of that is okay.
What matters most is offering an open, gentle invitation to talk, without any pressure. Many grieving people say that over time, others stop asking - often because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing or making the person upset. But the grief is already there. A small, thoughtful opening like “I’m here if you ever feel like talking or sharing stories” can mean more than you know.
And if they don’t take you up on it, that’s perfectly okay too. Simply knowing someone is willing to sit with them - in conversation or in silence - can be a powerful comfort.
2. Don’t stop checking in
In the early days after a loss, there’s often a wave of support - flowers, meals, messages - and then, slowly but surely, things go quiet. But grief doesn’t follow that timeline.
A common sadness people share in counselling is that, while others seem to return to their “normal” lives, they’re still living with a world that feels forever changed. Just when they need support the most, it can feel like everyone has disappeared.
That’s why ongoing check-ins - even months or years later - can be so meaningful. A simple “thinking of you” text or offer to meet for coffee can remind someone they’re not forgotten, even when the rest of the world has moved on.
3. Offer practical help
Grief can be exhausting. The smallest tasks - groceries, childcare, school pick-ups - can feel impossible. Offering tangible support can lighten the load.
Even if they don’t feel up to company, a dropped-off meal or a thoughtful errand can quietly say: “I see you. I care.”
4. Be patient when emotions and tensions run high
Grief doesn’t just affect the person who experienced the loss - it can ripple through families, friendships, and close relationships in tender and unexpected ways. Emotions can run high, and even small misunderstandings may feel amplified.
This isn’t because anyone is doing something wrong - it’s simply that everyone is hurting, and everyone copes in their own way. Try to meet these moments with patience and compassion.
Because counselling is removed from the situation, it can often provide a safe space to step away from tensions and process what’s happening. This allows everyone to return feeling more grounded and better able to navigate the challenges ahead.
5. Keep inviting them
Grief is incredibly isolating - especially if the person who died was a key part of their social world. The same goes for other losses like divorce, where people suddenly feel left out of couple-based gatherings.
Keep inviting them - and make the invitation low-pressure:“We’re heading to dinner and would love for you to join. No pressure at all - we’ll be at our local if you feel up to it.”
6. Don’t expect replies
Grief is heavy. Even replying to a text can feel like too much. But messages that ask for nothing in return can mean everything:“No need to reply - just letting you know I’m thinking of you. Always here if you feel like a walk or a chat.”
7. Sit with them in silence
You don’t need to have the right words. In fact, you don’t need words at all. Quiet companionship - simply being there - can be one of the most powerful ways to show up.
Just listening - fully, without judgement - is often the kindest gift of all.
8. Be cautious of the common catchphrases
Most words of care are appreciated. But some well-meaning phrases can land as dismissive or painful. Things like:
“I know how you feel.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“They’re in a better place now.”
These may be meant to comfort, but can unintentionally minimise the depth of someone’s pain. Often, the kindest thing you can say is simply:“I’m so sorry. I’m here with you.”
9. Share treasured memories
One of the most healing things you can do is share your own memories of someone’s loved one - if you have them.
Research shows that grieving within a community can make loss easier to bear. Sharing stories, memories, and meaning - especially in groups - can help someone feel less alone in their remembrance.
If it’s someone you’ve lost together, consider remembering birthdays, anniversaries, or continuing shared traditions in their honour. These “continuing bonds” are a powerful and healing way to show that love remains.
10. Remind them they are worthy of support
One of the hardest things in grief is reaching out. Counselling can help, but many people hesitate to seek it, feeling like they should “cope” alone.
A gentle reminder that they deserve support - not because they’re broken, but because they’re human - can open the door to healing. If it feels right, offer the suggestion gently, as a way of honouring their needs.
11. Be patient
Grief has no timeline. It comes in waves - sometimes soft, sometimes overwhelming - and it can linger for weeks, months, even years.
That’s not wrong. That’s grief. Try not to measure progress by how “okay” they seem. Keep showing up.
12. Look after yourself, too
Witnessing someone else’s pain can take a quiet toll. If you’re supporting someone who is grieving, remember to care for your own wellbeing too. Your heart matters in this, just as theirs does.
Finally, thank you
The fact that you are reading this says so much: you care. You’re trying. And that matters - more than you may know.
On behalf of so many of the people I’ve walked alongside in grief: thank you. These small acts of love and kindness are never forgotten.
Sometimes the journey through grief can feel overwhelming, and it’s important to know that you don’t have to walk it alone.
I’ve been privileged to support many through these tender, challenging moments. If you or someone you care about ever needs extra guidance or simply a compassionate ear, please know that I’m here. No pressure - just a gentle invitation to reach out, whenever it feels right.
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