Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves? Tips from a Sutherland Shire counsellor
- The Counselling Cove
- Mar 22
- 3 min read
Updated: Sep 8
You know that little voice in your head? The one that pipes up at the worst times - just as you’re trying to sleep or when you finally sit down with a cup of tea. It whispers things like: “You should’ve done more today,” or “Why did you say that?”
Sound familiar? You’re not the only one.
As a Sutherland Shire counsellor, I’ve heard countless stories of people who downplay their strengths while holding their so-called failures under a magnifying glass. I see parents who feel like they’re letting their kids down, staff members who feel like they’re failing their teams, and students convinced they’ll never measure up. And truthfully? I’ve absolutely felt that and been there too - in all of those settings and roles.
In a world of curated Instagram feeds and endless comparison, it’s no wonder our inner critic has become so loud.
But here’s the thing: that harsh self-talk isn’t the full truth of who you are. And while self-criticism is a stubborn habit, it is possible to build a gentler, kinder inner voice.
As a Sutherland Shire counsellor, here are some of the tips my clients and I explore:
1. Catch your inner critic in the act
Our minds can be dramatic. They love black-and-white thinking (“I always mess things up”), catastrophising (“This mistake will ruin everything”), or taking on guilt that doesn’t belong to us. When you notice this happening, try pressing pause and asking yourself:
Is this thought really true?
What would a more balanced version sound like?
Even a small shift can take the sting out of those spirals.
2. Borrow someone else’s perspective
We’re often far harsher on ourselves than anyone else would be. Next time self-doubt shows up, imagine how someone who cares about you might describe you.
I once sat with a client - a devoted mum balancing a demanding career - who was convinced she was failing at both. When I asked her how a loved one might see her, she paused, then smiled through tears: “They’d probably say I’m damn awesome and doing my best.” That reframing didn’t erase her challenges, but it softened the weight she was carrying.
3. Get curious instead of combative
Instead of trying to shove difficult feelings away, try asking them what they’re here to teach you. Maybe that knot of anxiety is telling you you’re stretched too thin. Maybe the sadness is asking you to slow down. Naming and acknowledging feelings can loosen their grip and open space for compassion.
4. Celebrate the small wins
We rarely give ourselves credit for the little victories. Try keeping a simple “wins list” - a note in your phone or a scrap of paper on the fridge. Write down anything you’ve managed, from booking that appointment to simply showing up on a hard day.
Over time, these reminders create a gentler balance: proof that you’re doing more than your critic gives you credit for.
A gentle pause for you
Take a moment right now. Think of one thing you did today that mattered - even if it was just getting out of bed when it felt heavy. Breathe it in. That counts.
Final thought
The way you speak to yourself matters. You don’t have to flip every negative thought into sunshine and rainbows - but you can begin to build a softer, steadier inner voice.
And if your critic feels too loud to face alone, counselling can be a safe space to quiet the noise, reconnect with your strengths, and rediscover a kinder way of being with yourself. 💛
You are always welcome to reach out to me. I offer counselling from my private counselling room in Caringbah, Sutherland Shire. I also provide online telehealth counselling and Walk & Talk Therapy in south Sydney. You deserve to feel supported, understood, and enough - just as you are.
Comments