Self-Esteem Counselling: Supporting you to choose yourself

The Counselling Cove
Jan 7
4 min read

Self‑esteem is one of those quiet, powerful forces in our lives. When it’s steady, we’re more likely to trust ourselves, speak kindly to ourselves, and move through the world with a sense of enough‑ness. When it’s fragile or worn down, everything can feel heavier - relationships, work, decision‑making, even rest.

Many people arrive in counselling saying things like, “I don’t feel confident,” or “I’m too hard on myself,” or “I just don’t feel good enough.” Often, they’re not looking to become louder, bolder, or more ‘confident’ in a performative way. They’re longing for something gentler: a sense of inner steadiness, self‑trust, and relief from the constant inner critic.

Self-esteem counselling can be a deeply supportive place to begin rebuilding your own sense of voice and value - not by forcing positive thinking, but by understanding yourself with more compassion and care.

What do we actually mean by self‑esteem?

Self‑esteem isn’t about thinking you’re better than others, or feeling confident all the time.

At its core, healthy self‑esteem is about:

Feeling worthy of care, respect, and kindness
Believing your needs and feelings matter
Being able to make mistakes without tearing yourself apart
Trusting yourself enough to set boundaries and make choices

Low self‑esteem often shows up as self‑criticism, people‑pleasing, perfectionism, chronic self‑doubt, or a deep fear of getting things wrong. It can sound like an internal voice that’s constantly questioning, minimising, or judging you - even when you’re doing your best.

How self‑esteem gets shaped over time

Low self‑esteem rarely comes from nowhere. It often develops slowly, shaped by experiences such as:

Growing up with high expectations, criticism, or emotional invalidation
Being praised mainly for achievement rather than effort or authenticity
Repeated experiences of rejection, bullying, or feeling ‘not enough’
Trauma, loss, or relationships where your needs weren’t prioritised

Over time, your nervous system and mind learn to stay on high alert - scanning for mistakes, rejection, or signs you’ve failed. That inner critic often develops as a form of protection, trying (in its own harsh way) to keep you safe from harm or disappointment.

Counselling doesn’t aim to get rid of that part of you. Instead, it helps you understand it - and gently loosen its grip.

How counselling supports self‑esteem

Counselling offers more than strategies or affirmations. It provides a relational space where self‑esteem can begin to heal through experience.

Here are some of the ways counselling can help:

1. A space to be seen without judgement

For many people, counselling may be one of the first places they feel truly heard - without needing to perform, explain, or justify themselves. Being met with warmth, curiosity, and acceptance can slowly challenge the belief that you’re “too much” or “not enough.”

Over time, this experience can be internalised, helping you develop a kinder relationship with yourself.

2. Understanding your inner critic

Rather than trying to silence self‑critical thoughts, counselling helps you explore where they came from and what they’re trying to do for you. When you understand the origins of that inner voice, it often loses some of its power.

You may begin to notice: This isn’t the truth about me - it’s an old protective pattern.

3. Reconnecting with your nervous system

Low self‑esteem is often intertwined with a dysregulated nervous system. When your body is stuck in threat mode, self‑doubt and shame tend to speak louder.

Counselling can help you gently tune into your body, notice patterns of tension or collapse, and develop ways to feel safer within yourself. As your nervous system settles, self‑trust often grows alongside it.

4. Untangling worth from achievement

Many people tie their self‑worth to productivity, success, or being needed by others. Counselling can help you explore who you are beneath the roles you play and the expectations you carry.

This can be a slow, meaningful shift - learning that your worth isn’t something you earn, but something you already have.

5. Practising self‑compassion (without forcing it)

If self‑compassion feels awkward or undeserved, that's okay. Counselling doesn’t rush this process. Instead, it meets you where you are, helping you take small, realistic steps toward relating to yourself with more care.

Over time, compassion can begin to feel less like a concept and more like a lived natural experience.

What changes might you notice over time?

As self‑esteem begins to strengthen, clients often notice subtle but meaningful shifts, such as:

Feeling less reactive to criticism or perceived failure
Being able to say no without excessive guilt
Making decisions with more confidence and less rumination
Speaking to yourself more kindly after mistakes
Feeling more at ease being your authentic self

These changes don’t usually happen overnight. They build gradually, through reflection, support, and repeated experiences of safety and understanding.

You don’t need to wait until you feel “bad enough”

A common belief is that counselling is only for crisis moments. In reality, many people seek counselling for self‑esteem when they’re functioning on the outside, but struggling quietly on the inside. You don’t need to necessarily need to wait until things escalate to benefit from support. Wanting a kinder relationship with yourself is reason enough.

If you feel that it's time for a change

If your self‑esteem has been worn down over time, it makes sense. There’s nothing weak or wrong about you for feeling this way. Often, it reflects how much you’ve carried - and how little space you’ve had to be supported.

Counselling offers a place to pause, to be met with compassion, and to slowly rebuild a sense of worth that feels grounded and real. Not by changing who you are - but by helping you come home to yourself. Your voice. Your value.

I offer counselling in-person in Caringbah in Sydney's Sutherland Shire, Walk & Talk Therapy in southern Sydney, and online counselling Australia wide. Feel free to book in for a free initial chat to see if counselling feels right for you.