Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?

Have you ever noticed how we criticise ourselves in ways we’d never speak to others? As a counsellor, I’ve sat with countless clients who dwell on their perceived failures while barely acknowledging their strengths—achievements made despite life’s many hurdles. We all do it, myself included. No matter what we accomplish, we tend to fixate on our shortcomings rather than our successes. If this weren’t such a universal tendency, therapy rooms would be much quieter.

This self-criticism shows up everywhere—the dedicated manager who feels they’re failing at work and home, the student buckling under academic pressure, the heartbroken individual convinced they’re unworthy of love. And in today’s world of curated social media feeds and constant comparison, these feelings are only amplified.

But here’s the good news: while self-judgement is a tough habit to break, there are ways to be kinder to yourself. Try these simple yet powerful exercises to shift your mindset:

1. Catch Your Inner Critic in the Act

Our minds love playing tricks on us. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) identifies several unhelpful thinking patterns—like black-and-white thinking, catastrophising, or personalising—that distort reality. Learn more about them unhelpful thinking patterns. If you catch yourself spiralling into one, pause. Challenge the thought. Ask yourself: Is this really true? What’s a more balanced way to see this?

2. Ask Yourself: What Would a Loved One Say?

We are our own worst critics, but those who care about us see a much fuller picture. When self-doubt creeps in, imagine how a friend or family member would describe you. I once worked with a client—a devoted mother balancing a high-pressure job—who felt like she was failing at both. When she stepped back and viewed herself through the eyes of someone who admired her, everything changed.

3. Get Curious About Your Feelings

Instead of pushing negative emotions away, get curious about them. What are they trying to tell you? Give them space to breathe. Sometimes, simply acknowledging them is enough to loosen their grip. When we stop battling our thoughts and instead understand them, it becomes easier to move forward with renewed motivation.

4. Keep a "Wins" List

Create a simple record of your successes—big or small. It could be a note on your phone or a document on your computer. Each time you accomplish something, write it down. We tend to focus on what we haven’t done rather than celebrating progress. Success isn’t just about the final result—it’s about showing up, again and again.

Final Thought

The way you speak to yourself matters. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, maybe it’s time to stop saying it to yourself.